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when someone close to you has been sexually assaulted
According to statistics, 20% of those who contact Sexual Assault Centres in Saskatchewan are "secondary victims." These are: partners, siblings, parents, and friends who seek help in dealing with the effects that sexual assault has had in their lives.
In the aftermath of a sexual assault, family, friends, and partners often have responses that parallel those of the survivor: shock, rage, confusion, feelings of helplessness, etc. It is important that significant others have an opportunity to express their feelings and demonstrate their concern and support for the survivor.
It is also important to be aware of the impact of sexual assault upon the victim. Some of the effects include:
- Low self esteem; the victim may feel worthless, dirty, inadequate, suicidal, helpless, and/or experience feelings of failure.
- Relationships; the survivor may have difficulties in: forming relationships, intimacy, and parenting, establishing trust, and communicating.
- Sexual problems; the victim may experience withdrawal from sexual desires.
- Emotional problems; the survivors may express feelings ranging from anger, shame, guilt, loneliness, to fear.
- Physical problems; survivors may experience headaches, sore neck, back pain, including any other physical pain throughout the body.
- Behavioural problems; survivors may indulge in excessive use of alcohol/drugs/cigarettes.
- Disorders; may develop irrational fear, extreme behaviours, sleeping problems, or depression.
It is possible that the survivor will experience difficulty in all aspects of her/his physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual self. It is important for significant others to take care of their own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self:
- Exercise, eat healthy foods, avoid alcohol/drugs/smoking, take a soothing bubble bath.
- Educate yourself about the effects of sexual assault, talk to someone, reach out for help.
- Express your feelings with those who you have a trusting relationship with.
- Meditate, read positive affirmations, explore your spiritual self.
- Work towards maintaining a healthy balance in all aspects of your life. You will be better able to support the victim in a healthy and positive manner as you both journey the healing process.
What NOT to do:
- Don't try to rescue her/him. The survivor needs to be seen as a brave, strong, and courageous individual for dealing with the assault. Survivors need to be independent and capable of taking care of themselves.
- Don't minimize her/his feelings. It is important that you validate her/him.
- Don't blame her/him. They did not cause the assault. Don't ask accusing questions, such as "Why didn't you stop him?" or "Why didn't you tell anyone?"
- Don't take away the survivor's power. They need to be empowered in their journey; encourage survivors to make their own decisions.
- Don't suppress the survivor's feelings. Allow her/him to be angry or cry without being told to stop. Being able to freely express their emotions in a healthy manner is very important in the healing process.
- Don't be over protective. Many people want to takes measures so that the assault does not occur again. However, this may be overwhelming or stifling for the. Survivors need to feel as normal as possible.
How can significant others help?
- Believe the survivor.
- Offer your support, encouragement, and respect. Emphasize their strength and ability to surviving the assault.
- Listen to their feelings and allow them to express themselves. Assure the survivor that their feelings of fear, anger, and pain are natural responses to this ordeal. Emphasize that she/he is not to blame.
- Educate yourself about the effects of sexual assault; read self help books, talk to someone you can trust, talk to a counselor, or call the crisis line.
- Respect the survivor's right to individual time and space so she/he can heal.
- Be aware of your own needs and limits. The survivor's pain and anger, along with your own pain and anger can be immense. At times, it can be too much for you, therefore, you need to take time-out for your own nurturing.
- Share your thoughts and feelings with others. Undoubtedly, you will feel a variety of emotions toward the abuser.
- Remember to communicate your love.
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Staff at the Sexual Assault Centre are available to work with victims/survivors, partners, family, and support people who seek help in dealing with the effects of sexual assault.
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