Home > When Someone Close to You Has Been Sexually Assaulted
when someone close to you has been sexually assaulted
According to statistics, 20% of those who contact Sexual Assault Centres in Saskatchewan are "secondary victims." These are: partners, siblings, parents, and friends who seek help in dealing with the effects that sexual assault has had in their lives.
In the aftermath of a sexual assault, family, friends, and partners often have responses that parallel those of the survivor: shock, rage, confusion, feelings of helplessness, etc. It is important that significant others have an opportunity to express their feelings and demonstrate their concern and support for the survivor.
It is also important to be aware of the impact of sexual assault upon the victim. Some of the effects include:
- Low self esteem; the victim may feel worthless, dirty, inadequate, suicidal, helpless, and/or experience feelings of failure.
- Relationships; the victim may have difficulties in: forming relationships, intimacy, and parenting, establishing trust, and communicating.
- Sexual problems; the victim may experience withdrawal from sexual desires.
- Emotional problems; she may exert feelings ranging from anger, shame, guilt, loneliness, to fear.
- Physical problems; she may experience headaches, sore neck, back pain, including any other physical pain throughout her body.
- Behavioural problems; she may indulge in excessive use of alcohol/drugs/cigarettes.
- Disorders; she may develop irrational fear, extreme behaviours, sleeping problems, or depression.
It is possible that she will experience difficulty in all aspects of her physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual self. It is important for significant others to take care of their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self:
- Exercise, eat healthy foods, avoid alcohol/drugs/smoking, take a soothing bubble bath.
- Educate yourself about the effects of sexual assault, talk to someone, reach out for help.
- Express your feelings with those who you have a trusting relationship with.
- Meditate, read positive affirmations, explore your spiritual self.
- Work towards maintaining a healthy balance in all aspects of your life. You will be better able to support the victim in a healthy and positive manner as you both journey the healing process.
What NOT to do:
- Don't try to rescue her. She needs to be seen as a brave, strong, and courageous individual for dealing with the assault. She needs to be independent and capable of taking care of herself.
- Don't minimize her feelings. It is important that you validate her.
- Don't blame her. She did not cause the assault. Don't ask questions that accuse her ie. "Why didn't you stop him?" or "Why didn't you tell anyone?"
- Don't take away her power. She needs to be empowered in her journey; let her make her own decisions.
- Don't suppress her feelings. Allow her to be angry or cry without being told to stop. Being able to freely express her emotions in a healthy manner is very important in the healing process.
- Don't be over protective. Many people want to takes measures so that the assault does not occur again. However making sure she is never alone and always watching her may be overwhelming, or stifling for her. She needs to feel as normal as possible.
How can significant others help?
- Believe the victim.
- Offer your support. encouragement, and respect. Emphasize her strength in surviving the assault.
- Listen to her feelings and allow her to express herself. Assure the victim that her feelings of fear, anger, and pain are natural responses to her ordeal. Emphasize that she is not to blame.
- Educate yourself about the effects of sexual assault; read self help books, talk to someone you can trust, talk to a counselor, or call the crisis line.
- Respect the victim's right to individual time and space so she can heal.
- Be aware of your own needs and limits. The victim's pain and anger, along with your own pain and anger can be immense. At times, it can be too much for you, therefore, you need to take time-out for your own nurturing.
- Share your thoughts and feelings with others. Undoubtedly, you will feel a variety of emotions toward the abuser.
- Remember to communicate your love.
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Staff at the Sexual Assault Centre are available to work with victims/survivors, partners, family, and support people who seek help in dealing with the effects of sexual assault.
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