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Home > It Began Just After We Started Going Out
it began just after we started going out" They glared at me all night and wouldn't talk to me because I said no to sex."Usually when we think of abuse, we think of physical assault. That is when someone is kicked, slapped, punched and shoved around. Abuse is not just physical abuse. There is also abuse that leaves no marks -emotional abuse. It can be forced isolation, being stopped from spending time with family or friends, being put down, being told repeatedly that we are stupid, ugly, fat, being harassed about where we have been and what we have been doing. Another way boyfriends/girlfriends emotionally abuse us is through threatening us with physical abuse if we refuse to do as they say. Boyfriends/girlfriends who do these things are trying to control us and keep us from being independent. Each of us, as individuals, has the right to decide for ourselves how we want to act. Forced sexual contact is another form of abuse. Sometimes we enter into sexual relations with guys/girls because we are threatened with losing them, or called frigid, or made to feel sexually inadequate. Sometimes we are even physically forced. It is our right to choose when and how we want sex. When someone ignores this right, it amounts to sexual assault. Many relationships appear to be all right on the surface but hide battering and other types of abuse. In order to end abuse in relationships, it is important to admit it to ourselves and to others who may want to support us. WHY DO WE STAY? "...actually, the physical and emotional abuse started right after we first made love. They were really nice and sweet until we were in a committed relationship." Perhaps the most commonly asked question about abuse is, "why do they stay and take it?" They don't. Every person in an abusive relationship has tried to leave or to change the situation in some way. There are many reasons why we stay in abusive relationships. Social pressure to keep a boyfriend/girlfriend - for women staying is less frightening than being alone in a society that measures a woman's worth by having or not having a male partner. We can feel it is our fault if the relationship is not working, especially if we are being told this by our boyfriends. We are feeling lonely - we feel that our boyfriend/girlfriend is the only one who loves us and the only one we can depend on. This makes his/her Behavior even more confusing. Our self-esteem slowly falls apart as we begin to believe our partners when they tell us we are worthless, and we may begin believing that we deserve the abuse. No one ever deserves to be beaten or abused. When confronted with what they have done boyfriends/girlfriends who abuse often say they are sorry, promise to change, and beg for a second chance. We want to believe them and because of the renewed hope that they will change, we stay in the relationship. When it happens again and again, we lose trust, self-respect and feel all of the fear and anxiety of not knowing when or how it will happen next. Fear that our boyfriends/girlfriends will follow us, harass us or beat us again - fear that people will say I told you so - fear that no one will believe us. We are afraid we won't get any support from family and friends (especially if we have become isolated from them) and afraid that those who do believe us will say it is our own fault. All of these things: the desire for a boyfriend/girlfriend, the isolation, lack of self-esteem, the love, the trust and the fear make it hard to leave an abusive relationship. We don't stay because we like being abused. Hoping to make the relationship better, we try to change ourselves. It takes time to realize that our boyfriends/girlfriends have to change their own abusive Behavior and that we can't do it for them. WHAT CAN YOU DO? These types of abuse happen to many of us. You are not alone. It is not your fault. One way to stop violence, or the threat of violence, is to confront it right from the start. If it happens once, we may hope that it never happens again and do nothing. Abuse is usually repeated. It may be better to leave that relationship for our own sake as well as his/hers. Too often we believe that we are responsible for keeping the relationship together and for helping him/her with their problems. Change takes time. He/she has to take responsibility for their own Behavior and then make changes in themselves. Changing abusive Behavior does not happen over night and does not happen without therapy and the will to change. "They told me that they would change but the abuse kept happening." If you are physically abused it is very important that you seek medical help and attention. When we are in an abusive relationship we need to talk with someone. It helps us stop keeping all the pain and frustration inside; it helps us stop keeping the abuse a secret. Unfortunately, there are people who don't understand how serious abuse is. "here are a lot of myths about abuse. If we ;end up talking with someone who ignores our :concerns we must try again. There are people we can turn to for help and support. : you want to talk with someone, you can call a local women’s shelter, a safe place for women in abusive relationships. Some women's shelter numbers can be found in the front of the phone book or call your local crisis line or women's centre. The police can also provide you with information about how to help yourself. For a Friend - If you know, or think that someone is being abused, offer your support. Don't threaten them with losing your friendship if they choose to stay with their partner. Leaving is a very difficult and personal decision. If he/she is in an abusive relationship they need a friend who will give them support. You can make it clear that they don't deserve the abuse, while acknowledging their reasons for staying. Being able to talk with someone is the first step to getting out of, or changing, an abusive relationship. Leaving permanently can take a long time. They need to regain the power of making their own decisions. You can tell him/ her about how to reach out for help by contacting a women's centre, crisis line, or the police. The important thing is that you are able to support them in making their own decisions. WHAT ABOUT THE LAW Physical violence or threats are against the law, no matter who does it. An abusive partner can be charged with assault. A peace bond or restraining order may help protect you from further violence. Your local women's shelter, or women's centre, or the police can provide you with information on the justice system so that you can understand your options. |
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