Home > Child Sexual Abuse - A Guide For Parents
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE - A GUIDE FOR PARENTS
WHEN YOU SUSPECT YOUR CHILD HAS BEEN ASSAULTED
- Try to remain calm and respect your child's privacy.
- Call the Saskatoon Sexual Assault and Information Centre Office @ 244-2294, or Crisis Line @ 244-2224. Workers (and trained volunteers) are available 24 hours a day to provide emotional support and practical information.
- Provide emotional support for your child.
- Let your child know that you believe her/him.
- Reassure your child that you will protect her/him, and not allow this to happen again.
- Avoid berating the offender, especially if it is someone the child knows and cares about.
- Take your child for a medical examination.
- All cases involving children under the age of 16 must be reported to the police or to the Department of Community Resources, Child Protection Services. In this booklet series, we use the term "survivor" - a word conveying strength and potential for recovery, as many persons who have been assaulted do not wish to bear the label "victim".
INDEX
Introduction
Child Sexual Assault & the Law
Age of Consent
Some Facts
What Should You Teach Your Children
What Else Can You Do? Safety Tips
How to Detect Sexual Abuse
Behavioural Indicators
Physical Indicators
When Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused
Reporting to The Police and The Ministry of Social Services
How to Support a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused
Important Services and Phone Numbers
Bibliography
Child Sexual Assault - Introduction
We all worry about the possibility of sexual abuse happening to our
children and are concerned as to how we, as parents, can protect
them. Children need to have appropriate information throughout
their developmental years in order to have the ability to recognize
and cope with dangerous situations. Using fear as a teaching aid,
however, does not necessarily protect children, nor is it a healthy
emotion to adopt as a lifestyle.
Most parents warn their children about strangers, i.e.: "Don't accept
a ride from a stranger." But there are problems with these traditional
warnings:
- Children are often unsure about who a stranger is. For example, is a person a stranger when . . .
- You don't know him, but he says your Mom asked him to pick you up from school?
- He smiles at you and says "Hi"!
- These warnings do not explain why children are to avoid strangers.
- Statistics show that such warnings leave children virtually unprepared for what happens, because in the majority of cases the child knows the offender.
How, then, can you discuss sexual assault with children without making them suspicious and frightened of all people?
This seems to be a major concern of all parents, yet we are able to warn our children about traffic safety without worrying that they will never want to cross a road. Talking openly and honestly with your children about sexual assault is a positive step toward prevention.
In order to give children proper information, it is important to know
the facts about sexual abuse. This booklet was compiled to aid
parents or those in child-care situations, to understand child sexual
abuse and to help them teach children to be less vulnerable. If
you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to call us at
244-2294 (office number) or at 244-2224 (24 hr. crisis line).
CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT AND THE LAW
- Sexual Interference
- Invitation to sexual touching
- Sexual exploitation of a young person
- Parent or guardian procuring sexual activity with a child
- Householder permitting sexual activity
- Exposing genitals to a child
- Vagrancy (forcing a child into vagrancy, to live on the street)
- Juvenile prostitution
- living off the avails of child prostitution
- attempting to obtain sexual services of a child
- Incest
- Corrupting children
- Indecent Acts
- Anal intercourse
- Bestiality
- Sexual Assault
- Sexual Assault with a weapon, threats to a third party
or causing bodily harm
- Aggravated sexual assault
- Exposing a child to pornography
- Luring a child through the internet
Sexual activity without consent is always a crime regardless of the
age of individuals. The Criminal Code of Canada states that young
persons under the age of 18 are protected from sexual exploitation.
Consent is not valid if the person touching them for a sexual
purpose is in a position of trust or authority over them or if they are
in a relationship of dependency with that person.
Age of consent refers to the age at which criminal
law recognizes the legal capacity of a young
person to consent to sexual activity. The AGE OF
CONSENT was raised to the age of 16 in 2008.
There are some exceptions to the above laws
that allow young persons to experiment sexually, while protecting
them from those who would exploit them (those in a position of trust
or authority).
- Children under 12 years of age are NEVER considered able
to give consent to sexual activity
- 12 & 13 year old youth can only consent with person(s) less
than 2 years older than themselves
- 14 & 15 year old youth can only consent with person(s) less
than 5 years older than themselves
The law states that un-sworn or young witnesses do not need
corroboration to proceed with a case and take it to court. All child
sexual abuse cases go through the Crown Prosecutor's office, and
they decide whether charges will be laid and if the case will proceed
through the courts.
SOME FACTS:
- Children are most often sexually abused by someone known to
them (father figure, relative, neighbor). *SSAIC statistics indicate
that children are molested by strangers in only about 8% of cases.
- Sexual offenders are usually male. Of the children seen at
SSAIC*, only 5% reported being assaulted by a female.
- Very rarely does sexual abuse of children involve additional
violence. Children are especially vulnerable to sexual abuse
because of their trusting nature and the natural authority that adults
have over them. A child's cooperation is often gained through
bribery, guilt, fear and pressure to keep it a secret.
- Sexual abuse of children is usually not an isolated occurrence.
The abuse frequently continues and progresses, from exposure and
masturbation in front of children, to touching and intercourse over a
period of several years.
- Children rarely lie about sexual abuse. Most children simply do
not have the knowledge to explicitly describe situations of sexual
contact without having experienced them.
- Children do not seduce the offender. The idea of the child being
a "temptress" stems from misinterpretation of a child's behavior.
For example, a bare-bottomed child running about the house is
not trying to seduce an adult. Seeing this as an act of seduction
is rationalizing the offender's behavior. Sometimes children who
have been abused may become seductive, but this is a result of
the abuse and not the cause of it. This is a warning sign to be
acknowledged.
- Sexual offenders are not necessarily the "dirty old men"
we picture. Many times they are upstanding members of the
community. Even people with apparently strong moral and religious
beliefs may be offenders. Offenders are usually "normal" in most
respects.*
- Between 15% and 33% of all sexual offences in Canada are
committed by persons under 21 years of age.**
* King County Rape Relief. "He Told Me Not To Tell", King
County Rape Relief, 1979. p. 24.
** National Clearinghouse on Family Violence. "Adolescent Sex
Offenders (revised by Dr. Fred Mathews), 1997.
WHAT SHOULD YOU TEACH YOUR CHILDREN?
Teach your children the proper names for and
functions of all parts of their bodies including the
genitals. Not using correct terms indicates to
children that the genital area is "mysterious" and
that it is not okay to talk about.
Teach your children about sexual abuse in the
same way that you talk to them about areas of concern, such as
traffic or fire safety.
Teach children their bodies are special and they have the right to
say "no" if someone tries to touch them in a way that is confusing to
them. Let them know that they can tell you and that you will protect
them.
Teach children that it is unfair for an older person to ask them to
undress when they don't know why, or if they are uncomfortable
with the reason, i.e.: "What if someone asks you to undress so that
you can play a special game?" Let children know that it is okay to
say "No", or "No, I don't feel like it", and that they should let you
know if anything like this ever happens, and that you will believe
them.
Teach children that "special games" should not to be played without
asking parents first.
Teach children that sometimes adults are wrong, and should not
always be obeyed without question. Trust should not be "blind."
If an adult asks your children to keep a secret, encourage them to
come and tell you, as it is unfair for an older person to ask them to
do this. Explain to your children the difference between a secret
and a surprise. "Surprises" are usually fun, and you eventually get
to tell someone. "Secrets" generally require hiding information, and
might involve trickery. It is good to caution children about the use
of both words, and how someone might try to trick them. It is unfair
for an adult to expect children to keep a promise, a secret or a
surprise. Again, use some examples to teach your child...
Examples
- "If your sister is playing with matches and makes you
promise to keep it a secret..."
- "If your brother says he has a surprise for you and it turns
out to be a trick..."
This lets children distinguish between what is an unfair request and
what is not. For example, it is fun to surprise Mom for her birthday
by not telling her what her present is. It is not fun when your
brother wants to surprise you and hands you a box with something
scary in it.
Encourage children to stand up for themselves especially if it is
an adult that they believe is trying to take advantage of them.
Encourage them to trust their feelings and instincts about people,
and to be assertive if they don't like a particular person or situation.
Let them know that if something happens that confuses or upsets
them, they can come to you.
Teach your children practical skills to get out of difficulty. This
includes phoning "911", or other emergency numbers listed in
the Abuse Help Lines of the phone book (and how to give clear,
accurate information over the phone), identifying stores and other
public places that might provide safety for them.
How to Teach Children
Where possible, both parents should actively participate in teaching
children, so that they know they can come to their parents with
questions or concerns. Teaching children about sexual abuse can
progress as their level of understanding progresses.
Use examples that your children can relate to. One way is to refer
to things in terms of "good touch" or "confusing touch". For
example, most children know what it's like to be bullied and how
unfair it is (a good example of using power over children to get
them to cooperate).
Make a game of it. This encourages children to participate in the
learning process. For example:
- "Do you know the difference between good touch and
bad touch?"
- "What kind of touching might confuse you?"
- "Let's think of different kinds of touch..."
Good Touch: Hugging someone you're glad to see, petting friendly
animals, a pat on the shoulder for a job well done.
Confusing touch: A hard slap on the back, kissing when you don't
want to, a pinch on the cheek, wanting someone to stop hugging
you but they won't.
Bad Touch: Pulling hair, tickling until it hurts, wrestling and pinning
you down, someone touching your genitals or making you touch
theirs.
These are some examples to help children identify different
touches. You can use this opportunity to teach about what they can
do if "confusing" or "bad touch" happens. Encourage children to
trust their feelings. They can say "no" to touches that are confusing
or bad.
Teach children that if someone touches them in a bad or confusing
way to tell you about it. Let them know that they will be believed,
and that it's not their fault if someone touches them inappropriately.
Play a "What if" game with them. You can use this for all kinds of
safety lessons, and enables them to learn how to respond in cases
of trouble.
Examples:
- "What if you get lost in a grocery store?"
- "What if the babysitter said you could stay up late if you
play a special game with her/him?"
You may have a specific answer in mind, but allow the child to
come up with his/her own answers. If they give the "wrong" answer
go back over the examples and suggest a better response. For
example, "What if a man asks you to come into his house to see his
puppy?" An appropriate response could be, "No thank you, I have
to go home and ask Mom and Dad first." Encourage children to
come up with "What if" examples of their own.
A parent can also convey the same messages through storytelling.
Creating examples of a "make believe" child in a situation and how
she handled it also gives your child the information needed to be
better able to protect themselves.
These are just some examples of ways that you can teach children
about sexual abuse. Please remember that with any safety
precautions the message has to be conveyed several times until it
becomes a learned response. Talking to your children once is not
enough to get your concerns across.
What Else Can You Do? Safety Tips
It is important for parents to take some steps to safeguard their
children:
- Accompany your child into public washrooms.
- Take the time to know your child's friends and where they live.
- Encourage your child to inform you of their whereabouts.
- Check references of potential babysitters. Listen to your
children if they don't like a particular babysitter.
- Take the time to talk to your children if you notice any change
in their behaviors. Sometimes children have a hard time
talking about these things.
- Note if your child develops any anxiety toward or avoids
cousins, uncles, grandfathers, family friends, babysitters,
coaches, etc.
- Find out the approximate time that it takes your children to
return home from school or other activities.
- If your children are asked to babysit, interview their
"customers" and trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable
about them, remember there is no obligation to accept the
job. Discuss alternate ways of getting home should the
situation warrant, i.e.: the parent(s) return home drunk, if they
unexpectedly request babysitter to stay overnight, or if
your child feels uncomfortable being alone with that
"customer". Remind your child about normal precautions,
such as not giving out information on the phone or the
Internet, not opening doors to someone they're uncomfortable
with, etc.
When talking to children about sexual abuse prevention, don't limit
discussions to "dangerous strangers". No one ever has the right
to touch children in a way that confuses them. Children should
be aware of the possibility that the offender may be someone they
know. SSAIC statistics show that only 8% of child offenders are
strangers: many are family members. Use the "what if" game to
teach about incest. Various examples make the message very clear.
Start by using strangers as examples, then progress...such as:
- "What if a man asks you to...?"
- "What if the babysitter asks you to . . .?"
- "What if Uncle Jim asks you to . . .?"
- "What if Grandpa . . .?"
Where possible, include both parents in the teaching process.
When parents let their children know what kind of touching is
inappropriate, it is more difficult for sexual offenders to abuse the
children. Children who are aware of their rights are less likely to fall
prey to abuse.
Again, it is also important that you impress upon your children
that they can come to you if something happens and that you will
believe them. Explain that sometimes these things happen and you
would want to know about it right away so you can protect them and
get help for the offending person so he/she won't do it again.
Don't make the offender out to be a "monster." This may confuse
children who have a close relationship with the offender. Explain
that people who do this to children have problems and need help:
it is easier for children to tell if they know the other person can get
help.
How to Detect Sexual Abuse: Regardless of precautions
taken, not all child sexual abuse can be prevented. When children
disclose abuse, it can present problems for them. They may be
confused and sense that something is wrong. They may not have
the vocabulary or know how to tell. They may fear that they won't
be believed or that they will be blamed. Some children get some
physical pleasure from the experience, and this may compound
their sense of guilt, self-blame and confusion. They might tell you
indirectly, i.e.: "Grandpa has funny underwear."
There are some indicators of child sexual abuse: such signs or
changes in a child's behavior don't always mean the child has been
abused, but they should not be overlooked. Also, watch for several
indicators, not just one:
Behavioral Indicators
- Reluctance to be with a certain person or to go to a certain place
- Unusual interest in, or knowledge of, his/her sexual organs
or those of others
- Extreme moodiness, irritability, crankiness
- Sleep disturbances (nightmares, bedwetting, trouble
sleeping)
- Loss of, or increase in appetite
- Marked withdrawal from previous interests
- Return to babyish / childish behavior
- Self-destructive behavior (drug or alcohol use, persistent
running away, skipping school, shoplifting, self-mutilization)
Physical Indicators:
- Complaints of sore or itchy genitals
-
- Unusual odors or discharge from the genital area
-
- Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
-
- Pregnancy, especially if the child refuses to reveal any
information about the father of the baby
-
When Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused
Learning that a child has been sexually abused can be very
traumatic. It is important to remain calm, as your reaction will have
a profound effect on your child. Keep in mind that your child is
the most important person at this time and will need your support.
Take your child to a private place and ask her/him to tell you what
happened. The most important thing is for you to listen and believe
what s/he has told you. Reassure your child that it was not her/his
fault and that you are glad s/he has told you what happened. Let
her/him know that you are sorry this happened and you will protect
her/him from further abuse.
Children are often terrified about what will happen to the offender,
especially if it is someone that means a great deal to the child. Let
your child know that what the person did to her/him was wrong and
that the offender will have to get help for her/his problem. Never
condemn the offender in front of the child, as s/he may become
reluctant to talk out of a sense of betrayal to the offending adult.
It is important that the child have a medical exam as soon as
possible. Depending on the extent of the abuse, the child may
need to be tested for STIs, pregnancy, or injury – and prepared for
this in advance. The exam can be traumatic: s/he should know
what to expect. Be aware of the child's feelings and fears, and give
reassurance and support as needed.
Reporting to the Police and/or Ministry of Social Services
The Ministry of Social Services and/or the police must be notified
if the child or the offender is under 16 years of age. They often
investigate jointly on reported cases and usually the evidence is
forwarded to the Crown Prosecutor. What happens then depends
on the details of the abuse.
Reporting child sexual abuse is difficult. You can call SSAIC with
any concerns you may have, so that the best interests of the child
are served. Remember: what happened to your child is a
crime, regardless of who the offender is.
Going to court can be traumatic for your child, but may be the only
way for her/him to receive protection, and for the offender to receive
treatment and face up to his/her offense. Some ways to help
reduce the trauma of investigation and legal proceedings for your
child might include:
- Videotaping the child's evidence can minimize the number
of times s/he tells about the incident during an
investigation. However, videotaped interviews are not
always used in court, and if they are, the child may have
to testify at the trial (often depends on the child's age).
A child may also be subject to cross examination.
- A child witness may be protected from having to view
the accused during a trial by the use of a screen and/
or a closed-circuit television.
These methods may not
be available in all areas of
the province.
Talk to the police in your
area about these options
and for more information.
How to Support a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused
- It is important that you do not blame your child.
Continue to offer your support, and believe in
what s/he has told you.
- Do not pressure your child to talk about it, but
answer any questions or concerns s/he may
have.
- Respect your child's privacy (e.g.: friends and
other family members should be told only if the
child wants them to be told).
- Continue to follow regular routines at home
(chores, bedtime, etc.). By treating your child
differently, you will make her/him feel that s/he is
different as a result of what happened.
- Do not hold back your normal displays of
affection toward your child, but respect her/his
feelings on this.
- Remember that you may also be affected by what
has happened and that it is important for you to
deal with your feelings. The Saskatoon Sexual
Assault and Information Centre can help you with
this. You are not alone. Talk to someone.
Important Services and Phone Numbers (Saskatoon)
Sexual Assault and Information Centre
Office 244-2294
Crisis Line (24 hour support) 244-2224
Hospitals (Emergency Numbers)
City Hospital 655-8230
Royal University Hospital 655-1362
St. Paul's Hospital 655-5113
Crown Prosecutor's Office 933-5149
Queen's Bench Court House 933-5135
Provincial Court Building 933-7052
Victim Services 975-8400
Crimes Compensation, Regina 787-3500
Or toll free 1-888-286-6664
Ministry of Social Services
Financial Unit 1-866-221-5200
Child Protection 933-6077
Family and Child Care Unit 933-5961
Saskatoon Crisis Intervention Service 933-6200
Shelters:
Saskatoon Interval House 244-0185
YWCA Crisis Shelter 244-2844
Crisis Nursery 242-2433
Children's Advocate 933-6700
See also: Abuse Help Lines in your Phone Book.
Bibliography
Books:
Geiser, Robert L. Hidden Victims; The Sexual Abuse of
Children, Boston; Beacon Press, 1979.
Sanford, Linda Tschirhart. The Silent Children: A book for
parents about the prevention of child sexual abuse, Garden
City, N.Y. Anchor Press, 1980.
Booklets and Pamphlets:
Baker, Sandra. Sexual Abuse of Children, Lawren Prod. Inc.
1978.
Department of Justice Canada. What To Do If A Child Tells
You Of Sexual Abuse: Understanding the Law. Department of
Justice Canada, 1989.
King County Rape Relief. "He Told Me Not To Tell". King
County Rape Relief, Ca. 1979.
National Clearinghouse on Family Violence. "Adolescent Sex
Offenders"" (revised by Dr. Fred Mathews), 1997.
Sexual Assault Services of Saskatchewan. SASS Newsletter,
Spring, 1989.
Other:
Jastrebske, Ellen M. A Survey of Attitudes and Sexually
Coercive Experiences in Saskatchewan, unpublished data,
1987.
SSAIC Annual Report, 2007-2008.
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