Saskatoon Sexual Assault and Information Centre
Saskatoon Sexual Assault and Information Centre
Home > Child Sexual Abuse - A Guide For Parents

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE - A GUIDE FOR PARENTS

WHEN YOU SUSPECT YOUR CHILD HAS BEEN ASSAULTED
  1. Try to remain calm and respect your child's privacy.
  2. Call the Sexual Assault Crisis Line @ 224-2224, or during office hours, call the Sexual Assault Centre office: 244-2294 . Workers are available 24 hours a day to provide emotional support and practical information.
  3. Provide emotional support for your child.
    • Let your child know that you believe her/him.
    • Reassure your child that you will protect her/him, and not allow this to happen again.
    • Avoid berating the offender, especially if it is someone the child knows and cares about.
  4. Take your child for a medical examination.
  5. All cases involving children under the age of 16 must be reported to the police or to the Department of Community Resources, Child Protection Services. In this booklet series, we use the term "survivor" - a word conveying strength and potential for recovery, as many persons who have been assaulted do not wish to bear the label "victim".
INDEX

Introduction
Child Sexual Assault & the Law
Sexual Interference
Invitation to Sexual Touching
Sexual Exploitation
Some Facts
What Should You Teach Your Children?
How to Teach Them
What Else Can You Do?
Incest
How to Detect Sexual Assault
Possible Behavior Indicators
Physical Indicators
When Your Child Has Been Sexually Assaulted
Reporting To The Police And The Department Of Social Services
How To Deal With A Child Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted
Important Services And Phone Numbers
Bibliography

Child Sexual Assault - Introduction

We all worry about the possibility of sexual assault happening to our children, and are concerned as to how we as parents can protect them. Children need to have appropriate information throughout their developmental years in order to have the ability to recognize and cope with dangerous situations. Using fear as a teaching aid, however, does not necessarily protect children, nor is it a healthy emotion to adopt as a lifestyle.
Most parents warn their children about strangers, e.g. "Don't accept a ride from a stranger". But there are problems with these traditional warnings:
  1. Children are often unsure about who a stranger is. For example, is a person a stranger when . . .
    • You don't know him, but he says your Mom asked him to pick you up from school?
    • He smiles at you and says "Hi"!
  2. These warnings do not explain why children are to avoid strangers.
  3. Statistics show that such warnings leave children virtually unprepared for what happens, because in the majority of cases the child knows the offender.
How, then, can you discuss sexual assault with children without making them suspicious and frightened of all people? This seems to be a major concern of all parents, yet we are able to warn our children about traffic safety without worrying that they will never want to cross a road. Talking openly and honestly with your children about sexual assault is a positive step toward prevention.

In order to give your children proper information, it is important that you know the facts about sexual assault. This booklet has been compiled to aid parents or anyone in child-care positions, in understanding sexual assault of children and to help them teach children to be less vulnerable. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to call us at 244-2294 (business number) or at 244-2224 (24 hour crisis line).

CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT AND THE LAW/b>

Sexual Assault is any sexual contact with anyone of any age against his/her will. Anyone who sexually assaults a child can be charged under the following Criminal Code Provisions:

271. Everyone who commits a sexual assault is guilty of:
(a) An indictable offence and is liable to imprisonment for ten years: or
(b) An offence punishable on summary conviction.


272. Everyone who, in committing a sexual assault:
(a) Carries, uses, or threatens to use a weapon or an imitation thereof
(b) Threatens to cause bodily harm to a person other than the complainant
(c) Cause bodily harm to the complainant, or
(d) Is party to the offence with any other person, is guilty of an indictable offence and is liable to imprisonment for 14 years.


273.
(1) Everyone who commits an aggravated assault that, in committing a sexual assault, wounds, maims, disfigures or endangers the life of the complainant.
(2) Everyone who commits an aggravated sexual assault is guilty of an indictable offence and is liable to imprisonment for life. In addition, there are provisions in the law that relates specifically to sexual assault of youths and children under 18 years of age.


Sexual Interference (Section 151)

It is a crime for anyone to touch someone under the age of 16 for a sexual purpose. Persons under the age of 16 years are considered unable to give informed consent regarding touching in a sexual manner.

Invitation to Sexual Touching (Section 152)
It is a criminal offence to encourage a child under 16 years of age to touch his/her own body or someone else's body for a sexual purpose.

Sexual Exploitation (Section 153)

Any person in a position of trust and authority (for example teachers, ministers, parents, etc.) who sexually touches a young person under the age of 18 is guilty of sexual exploitation.
There is one exception to the age of 16 being considered the age of consent, which is set out to provide protection for young persons who may be experimenting sexually (The Age of Consent in Canada changed from 14 to 16 in Feb. of 2008). AGE OF CONSENT: 12 & 13 yr olds may engage in sexual acts as long as the other person is less than 2 years older than themselves; 14 & 15 yr olds may engage in sexual acts as long as the other person is less than 5 years older than themselves;
The law now points out that unsworn or young witnesses do not need corroboration to proceed with a case and take it to court. All child sexual abuse cases go through the Crown Prosecutor's office, and they decide whether charges will be laid and if the case will proceed through the courts. INDECENT EXPOSURE(Section 173.2)
This is the exposure of genitals to a child "for a sexual purpose". INTERNET LURING
Any electronic communications with a person believed to be a child, for the purpose of facilitating the commission of sexual offences (includes luring, exploitation, child pornography, etc.) is illegal (became law in Canada, in 2002)

Some Facts
  1. Most children who are sexually abused are assaulted by someone known to them, e.g. father figure, relative, neighbour, and babysitter, etc. A Saskatchewan survey* indicates that children are molested by strangers in only approximately 12% of cases.
  2. Sexual assault of children happens more often than people choose to believe. The 1987 Saskatchewan survey revealed that 30% of those assaulted were 10 years old or younger at the time, and 50% were under the age of 16 when assaulted. As well, 20.5% of all respondents reported being sexually abused while growing up.
  3. Sexual assault offenders are usually male. Of all the assaults reported in the Saskatchewan survey, 92% of the assailants were male, 4% were female, and the remainder involved both male and female offenders.
  4. Very rarely does sexual assault of children involve additional violence. Children are especially vulnerable to sexual assault because of their trusting nature and natural authority that adults have over them. A child's cooperation is often gained through bribery, guilt and fear.
  5. Sexual abuse of children is usually not an isolated occurrence. The abuse frequently continues and progresses, from exposure and masturbation in front of children, to touching and intercourse over a period of several years.
  6. Children rarely lie about sexual abuse. Most children simply do not have the knowledge to explicitly describe situations of sexual contact without having experienced them.
  7. Children do not seduce the offender. The idea of the child being a "temptress" stems from misinterpretation of a child's behavior. For example, the bare-bottomed child running about the house is not trying to seduce the adult. Seeing this as an act of seduction is rationalizing the offender's behavior. Often children who have been abused may become seductive, but this is a result of the abuse, and not the cause.
  8. Sexual assault offenders are not the "dirty old men" we picture. Many times they are upstanding members of the community. Even people with apparently strong moral and religious beliefs may be offenders. Offenders are usually "normal" in most respects.** The Saskatchewan survey showed that 6% of offenders are 10 to 15 years old, while 33% are 20 years old or under. Offenders do tend to be, on average, 10-12 years older than their victims.
    9. * The Sexual Assault Survey, also referred to as the Saskatchewan survey, was completed by Dr. Ellen Jastrebske in 1987. Unless otherwise stated, all figures quoted are from this survey, based on over 2300 respondents.
    ** King County Rape Relief. "He Told Me Not To Tell" King County Rape Relief, 1979. P.24.
What Should You Teach Your Children?

Teach your children the proper terminology for and functions of all parts of their bodies including the genitals. Not using correct terms indicates to children that the genital area is "mysterious" and that it is not okay to talk about. Teach your children about sexual assault in the same way that you talk to them about areas of concern, e.g. traffic or fire safety. Teach your children their bodies are special and that they have the right to say "no" if someone tries to touch them in a way that is confusing to them. Let them know that they can tell you and that you will protect them. Teach your children that it is unfair for an older person to ask them to undress when they don?t know why or if they are uncomfortable with the reason, e.g. "What if your uncle asks you to undress so that you can play a special game?" Let your children know that it is okay to say "no" or "no, I don't feel like it", that they should let you know if this happens and you will believe them. Teach your children that "special games" are not to be played without asking parents first. Teach your children that sometimes adults are wrong too, and should not always be obeyed without question. Trust needs to be earned. If an adult asks your children to keep a secret, encourage them to come and tell you, for it is unfair for an older person to ask them to do this. Explain to your children the difference between a secret and a surprise. Surprises are fun, but sometimes secrets are hiding things that shouldn't be hidden. "Surprise" is a better word, since surprises are fun and you eventually get to tell someone, but one must caution children about the use of both words as a means to coerce them. Realistically it is unfair for an adult to expect children to keep a promise, a secret or a surprise.

It doesn't hurt to use examples:

  • "If your sister is playing with matches and makes you promise to keep it a secret. . ."
  • "If your brother says he has a surprise for you and it turns out to be a trick ..."
This lets children distinguish between what is an unfair request and what is not. For example, it is fun to surprise Mom for her birthday by not telling her what her present is, knowing that she will find out soon. It is not fun when your brother wants to surprise you and hands you a box with something scary in it. Encourage your children to stand up for themselves even if it is an adult that they believe is trying to take advantage of them. Encourage your children to trust their feelings and instincts about people, and to be assertive if they do not like a particular person or situation. Let them know that if something happens which confuses or upsets them; they can come to you. Teach your children practical skills to get out of difficulty. This includes phoning -911- or other emergency numbers as listed in the Hot Peach Pages of the phone book (and how to give clear, accurate information over the phone), looking for Block Parent signs, stores and other public places that may provide safety, etc.

How to Teach Them

It is important for both parents to actively participate in teaching your children. This reinforces your children's confidence that they can come to either parent with questions and concerns. Teaching your children about sexual assault can progress as their level of understanding progresses. Use examples that your children can relate to. One way is to refer to things in terms of "good touch", "confusing touch", rather than referring to them in a sexual manner. For example, most children know what it's like to be bullied and how unfair that is (a perfect example of using power over children to get them to cooperate).

Make a game of it. This encourages your children to participate in the learning process.
For example:
  • "Do you know the difference between good touching and bad touching?"
  • "What kind of touching confuses you?"
  • "Lets think of different kinds of touch . . ."
Good Touch: Hugging someone you're glad to see, petting friendly animals, a pat on the shoulder for a job well done.

Confusing Touch: A hard slap on the back, kissing when you don't want to, a pinch on the cheek, when you want someone to stop hugging you but they don't.

Bad Touch: Pulling hair, tickling until it hurts, wrestling and pinning you down, someone touching your genitals or making you touch theirs.

These are a few examples you can use to help your children identify different touches. You can use this opportunity to teach your children what they can do about "confusing touch" and "bad touch". Encourage your children to trust their feelings. They can say "no" to touches that are confusing or bad. Teach your children that if someone touches them in a bad or confusing way, you want to know about it. Let them know that they will be believed, and that it's not their fault if someone touches them inappropriately. Play a "What if . . ." game with your children. You can use this for all safety precautions. This enables children to learn how to respond in cases of trouble.

Examples:
  • "What if you get lost in a grocery store?"
  • "What if the babysitter said you could stay up later if you play a special game?"
Even though the parent may have a specific answer in mind, this allows for the child to come up with their own answers. If they give the "wrong" answer, go back over the examples and suggest a more appropriate response.

For example: "What if a man asks you to come into his house to see his puppy?" An appropriate response could be "No, thank you, I have to go home and ask Mom and Dad first". Encourage them to come up with "What if" examples of their own as well. A parent can also convey the same messages by way of storytelling. Going through an example of a make believe child in a certain situation and how s/he handled it also gives your child the information needed to be better able to protect themselves.

These are just some examples of ways, which you can teach your children about sexual assault. Please remember, though, that with any safety precautions, the message has to be conveyed several times until it becomes a learned response. Talking to your children once is not enough to get your concerns across.

What Else Can You Do

It is important for parents to take some steps to safeguard their children:
  1. Accompany your child into public washrooms.
  2. Take the time to know your child's friends and where they live.
  3. Encourage your child to inform you of their whereabouts.
  4. Check references on potential babysitters. Listen to your children if they don't like a particular babysitter.
  5. Take the time to talk to your children if you notice any change in their behavior. Sometimes children have a hard time talking about these things.
  6. Take note if your child develops any anxiety toward or avoids cousins, uncles, grandfathers, family friends, babysitters, etc.
  7. Find out the approximate time that it takes your children to return home from school or other activities.
  8. If your children are babysitting, interview their customers and trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable about any customer, remember they are not obligated to accept the job. Discuss with your child alternate ways of getting home should the situation warrant, i.e.
    • parent(s) return home drunk or unexpectedly requests babysitter to stay overnight, your child feels uncomfortable being alone with that customer, etc. Remind your child that normal precautions apply, such as not giving information out on the phone, not opening the door to someone they're uncomfortable with, etc.
Incest

When talking to your child about sexual assault, you must not limit your discussion to the "dangerous stranger". It is important that your child is aware of the very real possibility that it may be someone they know. In the Saskatchewan survey, 87% of all assailants were someone known to the survivor and children 10 and under, 50% were assaulted by a family member or relative.
Again, using the "What if" game is an excellent way to teach your child about incest. By presenting the examples you use in degrees of relationship, the message becomes very clear. No one has the right to touch them in a way that confuses them. You can initially start by using a stranger relationship and gradually progress.
For example:
  • "What if a man asks you to . . .?"
  • "What if the babysitter asks you to . . .?"
  • ? "What if Uncle Jim asks you to . . .?"
  • "What if Grandpa . . .?"
  • "What if I . . .?"
It is a good idea to include both parents in this teaching process. Once they have let their children know what kind of touching is unsuitable; it becomes more difficult for either parent to abuse their children. This very clearly informs children of their rights. Again, it is also important that you impress upon your children that they can come to you if something happens and that you will believe them. Explain that sometimes these things happen and you would want to know about it right away so you can protect them and get help for the offending person so he/she won't do it again. Don't make the offender out to be some horrible monster. This can be very confusing to children who may have a close relationship with the offender Explain that people who do this to children have problems and need help with these problems. It makes it much easier for children to tell. Knowing that the other person can get help.

HOW TO DETECT SEXUAL ASSAULT AND ABUSE

Despte the precautions that are taken, not all crimes of child sexual assault can be prevented. Telling someone about the abuse may present problems for children. They may be very confused and just sense that something is wrong, without knowing exactly what. They may not have the vocabulary, or know how to tell. They may fear that they won't be believed or that they will be blamed. Sometimes a child will experience some physical pleasure from the abuser (it is not always painful and violent) and this may compound their guilt and self-blame. They may try to tell you indirectly, e.g., "Grandpa has funny underwear". There are several indicators that may mean your child has been sexually assaulted. Remember that these signs or changes in a child's behavior don't always mean the child has been abused, but they should not be overlooked.

Possible Behavioral Indicators:
  • Reluctance to be with a certain person or to go to a certain place.
  • Unusual interest in, or knowledge of, his/her sexual organs or those of others.
  • Extreme moodiness, irritability crankiness.
  • Sleep disturbances (nightmares, bedwetting, needing a night light).
  • Loss of, or increase, in appetite.
  • Marked withdraw from previous interests;
  • Return to babyish behavior.
  • Self-destructive behavior (drugs, alcohol, persistent running away, skipping school, shoplifting, self-mutilation).
Physical Indicators:
  • Complaint of sores or itchy genitals
  • Unusual odours or discharge from the genital area.
  • Sexually transmitted diseases.
  • Pregnancy, especially if the child refuses to reveal any information about the father of the baby.
 When your Child has been Sexually Assaulted

Learning that your child has been sexual assaulted can be very traumatic for you. It is important, however, that you try to remain calm for your reaction does have a profound effect on your child. Try to keep in mind that your child is the most important person at this time and will need your support. Take your child to a private place and ask her/him to tell you what happened. At this point the most important thing is for you to listen and to believe what s/he has told you. Reassure your child that it was not her/his fault and that you are glad s/he was able to tell you what happened. Let her/him know that you are sorry this happened and you will protect her/him from further abuse. The child is often terrified about what will happen to the offender, especially if it is someone that means a great deal to the child. Let your child know that what the person did to her/him was wrong and that the offender will have to get help for her/his problem. Never condemn the offender in front of the child, as s/he may become reluctant to talk out of a sense of betrayal to the offending adult. It is important that your child have a medical examination as soon as possible. Depending on the extent of the abuse your child may need to be tested for STI's, pregnancy, or injury. Your child should be prepared for the examination before being rushed off to the doctor. This in itself can be traumatic and s/he should know what to expect. Remember to be sensitive to your child's feelings and fears, and give her/him the reassurance and support s/he needs.

Reporting to the Police and the Department of Social Services

The Department of Community Resources (Social Services) and the police must to be notified if the child or the offender is under the age of 16 years. They often investigate jointly on reported cases and usually the evidence is forwarded to the Crown Prosecutor. What happens then depends on the details of the assault. Reporting is difficult to do, especially if the offender is a family member, or other trusted family friend. You can call the Sexual Assault and Information Centre with any concerns you may have, so that the best interests of the child are served. Remember that what happened to your child is a crime, no matter who the offender is. Legal proceedings can be traumatic for your child, but may be the only way for her/him to receive protection, and for the offender to receive treatment and face up to her/his problem.
Various techniques are available to reduce the trauma of an investigation and legal proceedings for your child:
  • Videotaping the child's evidence can minimize the number of times s/he must tell about the incident during an investigation. However, videotaped interviews are not regularly used in court in Saskatchewan. When they are, the child will still have to testify at the trial to confirm the statements s/he made in the video. S/He will likely be subject to cross-examination as well.
  • A child witness may be protected from having to view the accused during a trial by the use of a screen and/or a closed-circuit television. These techniques may not necessarily be available in your area. Ask about them.
 How to Support a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused
  • It is important that you do not blame your child. Continue to offer your support, and believe in what s/he has told you.
  • Do not pressure your child to talk about it, but answer any questions or concerns s/he may have.
  • Respect your child's privacy. (e.g. friends and other family members should be told only if the child wants them to be told).
  • Continue to follow the regular routine at home (chores, bedtime, etc.). By treating your child differently you will make her/him feel that s/he is different as a result of what happened.
  • Do not hold back your normal displays of affection toward your child, but respect her/his feelings on this.
  • Remember that you will also be affected by what has happened and that it is important for you to deal with your feelings. The Sexual Assault and Information Centre can help you with this. You are not alone. Talk to someone.
 Important Services and Phone Numbers ** LINK ** See also - ABUSE HELP PAGES in every Saskatchewan Phone Book

IF YOU NEED US.. . Our crisis line operates 24 hours, seven days/week. Our office is open 9-12 a.m. and 1-5 p.m. Monday to Friday.
We offer support and accompaniment to sexual assault victims (child or adult, female or male) and their families throughout any medical and/or legal proceedings. Referrals can also be made.
We offer public education programs. Speakers and films are available. Through these programs we are working to increase awareness and thereby decrease the incidence of sexual assault.
Informational articles and pamphlets are available to anyone.

If YOU DON'T NEED US, WE NEED YOU . . . We provide an extensive training program for volunteers - Call 244-2294 for more information. The Saskatoon Sexual Assault and Information Centre gratefully accepts donations from individuals and organizations. (Income tax receipts will be issued for contributions of $10.00 or more).

YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Bibliography

Books: Geiser, Robert L. Hidden Victims; The Sexual Abuse of Children. Boston; Beacon Press, 1979. Sanford, Linda Tschirhart. The Silent Children: A book for parents about the prevention of child sexual abuse. Garden City, N.Y. Anchor Press, 1980. Booklets and Pamphlets: Baker, Sandra. Sexual Abuse of Children. Lawren Prod. Inc., 1978 Department of Justice Canada. What To Do If A Child Tells You Of Sexual Abuse: Understanding The Law. Department of Justice Canada, 1989 King County Rape Relief. "He Told Me Not To Tell". King County Rape Relief, ca. 1979. Sexual Assault Services of Saskatchewan. SASS Newsletter. Spring 1989. Other Jastrebske, Ellen M. A Survey of Attitudes and Sexually Coercive Experiences in Saskatchewan. Unpublished data, 1987.

24 HOUR CRISIS LINE: 306.244.2224
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201 - 506 25th Street East, Saskatoon, SK Canada S7K 4A7
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